Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
