I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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