im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My cat gives me a boner
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
