I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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