So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
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