Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
