She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
