does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
