So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
