youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
