If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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