why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
