Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
