I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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