you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
