Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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