Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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