a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
