Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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