Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
