i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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