I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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