This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
