just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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