When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
