Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Sober January is a disaster.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
