he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
