I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
