I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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