Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
