I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
