i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
