I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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