But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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