I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
