...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
