last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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