When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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