Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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