ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
