so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
