am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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