i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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