I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
