My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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