Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
