drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
