I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
