I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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