I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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