We should be called the Road Head Warriors
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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